


Beautifully Broken.

by Baby_Fangirl



Category: A Series of Unfortunate Events (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, I just like to give myself emotions, Pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-21
Updated: 2018-09-05
Packaged: 2019-06-30 16:31:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15755538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Baby_Fangirl/pseuds/Baby_Fangirl
Summary: Olivia fails to understand the relationship between Jacquelyn and Esmé.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~She is gone, but she used to be mine. {Sara Bareilles: Used to be mine.}





	1. Chapter 1

After a long and wearisome battle between the V.F.D’s deadly holidays and her normal, quite ordinary life, Olivia had finally managed to get her life into some quaint and wholesome order. She had taken up an undercover job in the largest library within trolley travelling distance; and often found that she was the go-to earpiece when a volunteer was in need of particular information. Of course, Olivia Caliban always knew where to look, whether it was S for Secret hiding places or I for inconspicuous disguise themes.

It was easy to forget that she was more than just a librarian, at times, when the hustle of the missions would die down into a peaceful buzz; then it was so easy to just pretend that she was an ordinary person, with an ordinary job… and an extraordinary girlfriend.

In all candid honesty, that’s what made everything so much better; knowing that every evening she would go home to the Jacquelyn’s apartment and see her girlfriend, either hovering over a stove, humming, or reading to herself, or even once or twice sketching at the desk. The secretary was the cutest cherry on top of the cake.

And there was nothing more that the librarian loved, than cuddling up to Jacquelyn, and burying her nose in the crook of her neck, relaxing in the scent of sweet cherry blossom and apples. They say home is where the heart is, but Jacquelyn had hers completely, Home was a person.

And for a blissful while, it seemed as though she had absolutely everything, for a while she was unconditionally happy.

But nothing lasts forever.

 

* * *

 

 

The night it changed began like so many others, Jacquelyn would curl up into an even smaller ball of cuteness than usual and Olivia would tuck up behind her, wrapping her arms around the petite womans waist and hold her close. She was happy to be beside the woman that she loved, after the fearsome revelation that the secretary was everything to her, Caliban never wanted to let her go, not even once.

She was half asleep when Jacquelyn began to mumble, stirring Liv into a barely-conscious mess as she propped herself up on one weak and weary shoulder, just so she could confirm everything was alright.

It seemed alright… Jacq was smiling in her captivating way. Scieszka smiled the way she would when she thought nobody was watching, and she let a radiant grin warm her lips with careless abandon. It was her favourite kind of smile. Olivia was about to lay back down until her girlfriend murmured again, more defined syllables this time, so that she could actually piece the string of sounds together…

“Esmé…”

 

It wasn’t until the next evening that Olivia dared to mention the previous occurrences, having the thoughts consume her mind for the entirety of the day. It wasn’t easy to code the indexes when worry and grief waltzed through her body. Her heart hurt. Her lungs burnt. Her head spun.

Olivia slowly changed into her nightclothes in a distracted, zombie-like trance.

“Are you okay, sweetheart? You’re somewhere else entirely, I can tell. Where are you? Wuthering Heights again, or maybe Narnia?” Jacquelyn teased as she took the redheads hand and pulled her down into the bed beside her, almost instantly shuffling as close to the librarian as was humanely possible.

Liv opened and closed her mouth somewhat in an inner debatable battle between her tongue and her brain; whether or not she should say what she wanted to say; after all, she Jacquelyn would have told her about something this important wouldn’t she?

“I know about Esmé,” Caliban spoke drily, her voice sounding like golden, crisp leaves crunching in the autumn. The other woman glanced upwards, a playful grin on her now colourless lips.

“Well, I should hope so, her face is almost always on the front cover of the Puctillio,” Jacquelyn teased ever so softly, her legs curled up beside her as she leant dependently on Liv, her head resting soft on her shoulder.

A sigh escaped the soft lips of the librarian, barely remembering what it was to breath normally. Every inhale seemed forced, and every exhale a quick flood of relief, “No, I mean, I know about you and her… you talk in your sleep sometimes, did you know that?”

Jacquelyn paused in the middle of softly chewing on her lip, sitting back upright so she could look towards the librarian. Esmé  had never been a secret before, but the past few weeks had been letters back and forth with apologies and confessions, and once or twice, a long phone call. It had been good to hear her arrogant but gorgeous voice again. “We had something, many wild years ago, when we were younger,” she admitted quietly

“And you loved her?” Olivia’s tone betrayed her obvious surprise. She had met Esmé, and personally found it difficult to believe that she was anything other than a selfish and vain woman.

“I did,” Scieszka nodded, her soft blue stare suddenly dedicated to the small, grey, floral design on the bedsheet. Olivia loved that gaze. Jacquelyn’s eyes were strikingly blue… not cold, like literature always had you to believe, but like hot fire, the blue tips of orange flames. Azure orbs flickered like deadly yet enthralling electricity, and it was a gaze that many peopled wanted to keep hold of, but failed time and time again.

And she only wished now that the woman would look at her.

“Do you still love her?” the question had sprung forth before Olivia had the audacity to think before speaking, wondering if she really wanted to know the answer after all.

“I do,” Jacquelyn paused for half a second before rushing to continue seeing the raw pain flash across Olivia’s innocent gaze. “I love her as well but that _doesn’t_ mean that I love you any less, Olivia, you’re my girlfriend and you have my heart, just… so does she,” the woman gingerly explained, taking her time with each careful word.

Liv sat forward, the sheet pooling around her waist. Shaking her head, the auburn haired woman frowned. “How can you love someone like her, Jacquelyn? She killed Jacques.” Caliban whispered, almost painfully. Just because she loved this woman didn’t mean that she forgot about the Snicket. “She murdered an innocent man and probably many more people,”

“We all make regrettable mistakes. It doesn’t mean that she is incapable of changing,” Jacquelyn softly suggested, defending the fire-starter as she too sat forward.

“A mistake is when you accidentally place a book back upside down, you don’t mistakenly _kill people_ ,” Olivia exclaimed, holding her breath for a moment, ensuring that she calmed down before she spoke again, “How do you love two people at once?”

“Like this!” Jacquelyn insisted desperately, her hands firmly cupping either side of Olivia's face, cerulean blue eyes burning unrequitedly into hazel. “I love you so much Olivia Caliban, I do… but I love her too, we can’t help who we fall in love with,”

The librarians eyes brimmed with unshed tears, shaking her head softly from side to side, slipping out of the womans hold on her cheeks. “I know that… I also know that I have to work early tomorrow, and that we both need our sleep,” it’s with that unfinished conversation that she leant over and turned off the light, leaving the pair in obstinate darkness.

For the first time in months. Olivia slept facing away from Jacquelyn.

* * *

 

It’s Jacquelyn who returns home later the next day after the most boring ordeal at Mulctuary Money Management, spending the hours blocking out Mr Poes wheezing, coughing and the regular intervals of downright stupidity; and also worrying about Olivia… and Esmé.

She hung up her jacket, often used to coming home to a quiet apartment, but the silence was unsettling and Jacquelyn quietly padded over to the couch where her girlfriend was curled staring a hole into the centre of the page, her bottom lip tucked between her teeth.

“We need to talk,” the smaller volunteer quietly announced, sitting at the opposite side of the couch, hands on her knees like a well-behaved schoolgirl.

“Do we really?” Liv whispered, unable to tear her gaze away from the book, it’s then that Jacquelyn realized that Caliban wasn’t reading, her dark eyes hazy with a cloud of emotion that didn’t see. The secretary leant forward, softly pushing the book out of Olivia’s direct view, and her hazel eyes flicked up to meet Jacquelyn’s.

She had never seen that look on Olivia Caliban before. The familiar spark of a volunteer had vanished from her stare, alongside her signature hope and determination.

Jacquelyn nodded slowly, “Yes, we do. I’ve been talking to Esmé… and I really want us to get along. You, me, her. I love you both and we deserve just as much love. Can’t we give it a go?” she pleaded, grasping Liv’s hand in her own, silently begging for her understanding.

“I can’t pretend to love someone that I hate Jacquelyn,” the redhead expressed, “She might have been your childhood lover, but she will forever be the woman who killed our friend,” No amount of pleading could bring Jacques back, and even then, Liv couldn’t forgive that woman.

Jacquelyn’s voice strained with an overbearing weight off emotion that clung to her chest heavily. “I need this Olivia… you both mean so much to me,” she doesn’t even realize that she’s crying until the hot tears are wiped away by a woman whose lips won’t smile, and her eyes won’t betray the slightest hint of her feelings.

Yet the tears keep coming.

“Clearly,”

“D- don’t be so ch-childish!” Scieszka snapped, unable to believe that Olivia would shut her out on her emotions. After everything that they had been through together, the librarian was going to just shut down now.

A hollow and humourless laugh sounded from the taller volunteer, lasting only a second, “Oh right, that’s me. Olivia Caliban, Jacquelyn Scieszka’s _other_ childish lover,” she scorned recklessly, and for a brief second, the secretary saw the chink in her armour, saw to heart-breaking pain that glazed her usually warm eyes.

Jacquelyn was begging again, tightly holding onto her girlfriends hand. “Please, _please!_ …We can work this out, You and Esmé-”

“Or.” Olivia interrupted her in a mere dull whisper, her gaze held no focus as she stared somewhere near the fireplace.

“what?” she echoed in timid confusion, even quieter, her cheeks wet with silent tears.

“Me _or_ Esmé, It’s one or the other, Jac-” Olivia offered with a concerning resolute tone, small, hopeless, but resolute, as if she already knew the bitter outcome.

Jacquelyn faltered, never having thought she’d have to face a decision so cruel, and to have it offered to her by the least cruel woman on the planet, a woman she adored… “If you truly loved me you wouldn’t make me choose,” she whimpered, letting go of Liv’s hand to quickly wipe her eyes.

Olivia stood up, ambling into the hall to grab her coat, and slid it on. Her countenance remained free of expression, but her eyes could cry a thousand sobs. “There… now you don’t have to choose.”

The smaller woman stood up too quickly, almost stumbling after her, “W-where are you going?” she worried, lower lip trembling as the rest of her body began to follow suit, shaking uncontrollably.

“Home.” Olivia disregarded, hardly able to look at the other, almost afraid of what she might feel if she saw her that way…

Jacquelyn stood rooted to the spot, eyes wide when the realisation sunk in that Olivia was leaving. She had lost so many people that she had cared about, but not even in her nightmares did she imagine that Olivia Caliban would be one of them. Tears streamed, as she shook her head. “This _is_ your home,”.

The redhead glanced back up when she reached the door, her gaze instantly finding broken blue.

“It was,”

 

 

Olivia swung open the door, revealing a stunned Squalor on the doorstep, hand raised to ring the doorbell. Her mouth hung open in surprise, observing the commotion before her, usually she was the one to start the haphazard chaos.

“Don’t worry Esmé, I was just leaving,” Olivia exclaimed sadly as she brushed her own tears away, walking past the cities 6th mot important financial advisor and leaving her love behind with the blonde, her broken thoughts and a breaking heart.

They say home is where the heart is, Home was broken and sobbing uncontrollably in the arms of another woman.


	2. Chapter 2

It had been five days.

Olivia had somehow managed to survive five whole, horrible days with the ever-existing sob stuck in the back of her throat and a stubborn knot tied in her stomach. They wouldn’t go away. She’d cried all the tears that came to her, but still the sob wouldn’t release its burden. And she had been sick more times than she could count… but nothing… not a single thing could relieve her of the suffering.

There were many times within those 120 hours that Olivia regretted everything, longing to wind up back at Jacquelyn’s apartment, and swear her love for the volunteer… and every time she was mere seconds away from opening the door to the outside world, to face her consequences, she remembered that Jacquelyn had Esmé now, the woman she had been dreaming about.

And that was when she would return to the chair by the window, to wallow in her regrets, and deafen her thoughts with the dull rain pounding off the glass. The weather was as miserable as she was.

Jacquelyn really was everything to her… and she walked out, like she meant nothing. Caliban would forever hate herself for that.

 

Heavy raindrops lashed violently against the window pane in wild protest, accompanied by the deafening whistle where the wind would squeeze through the tiny cracks in the framing. Liv watched as the water abused the glass over and over again, lost in the sombre elegy. The librarian was so distracted in nothingness itself that she didn’t fully register the long, elegant taxi sleekly pull up to the curb in front of the very same window.

In fact, it’s the ringing of the doorbell that finally drags the redhead back to her senses, fumbling over her own tangled limbs to stand from her foetal position and answer the door.

Olivia didn't know who or what to expect when the door swung open with a heavy moan. But she still got and inescapable shock when Esmé Squalor was revealed prominently lingering on the doorstep as if she didn't dare get used to being in one spot for too long, lest the /outness/ started infecting her life.

 She was clad head to toe in all red, with sleeves that almost chained each wrist. Her nails were excruciatingly long and just as Vermillion as her pursed lips. Both women stared for a moment at the other, before Olivia finally spoke up. "What are you doing here Esmé?" the woman asked almost tiredly.

 "I'm buying Christmas trees, what the blazing hell does it look like I'm doing?" The platinum blonde snapped, almost instantly glancing down with a failed attempt to reign in her attitude. "Can I come in?" Squalor inquired in a much softer tone, but still just as clipped.

"No," Olivia stated shortly, her arms folded across her chest, her cardigan was the weakest defence against the fighting chill.

Scarlet lips parted in slight shock. It was obvious that she hadn't expected to get rejected, or at least so soon. "But it's raining!" The Cities 6th most important financial advisor pointed out in sharp exclamation.

 "What a genius observation," Liv muttered sadly, "You can let Jacquelyn know that it's raining when you-"

"She doesn't know I'm here," Esmé quickly cut in, almost instantly creating a thick silence between them, when the thrashing of the rain in the road drummed in a lonely macabre band. It's in that moment when Olivia stepped aside and a soaking Esmé wasted no precious seconds pushing into the narrow hallway, shedding her rouge coat like a snake sheds its scaly skin.

“Wait a minute, if she doesn’t know you’re here, then how did you find me?” the librarian blinked

It’s alarmingly easy to find you volunteers, especially heartbroken ones...” Esmé began as she cast an unimpressed glance around the room in a way that made Olivia know she was being judged for her interior decorating, before murky blue eyes found and held her own again, “Just follow the pungent stench of old books and self- loathing.”

Caliban winced. She probably deserved that.

“I’m worried about her,” the librarian muttered in such shame, Jacquelyn had consumed her every conscious and unconscious thought.

Squalor huffed, holding herself in an almighty posture, staring across at the librarian down the sharp bridge of her nose. “So you should be, You ought to know that I wouldn’t visit this… severely _Out_ crib unless I truly felt I needed to,” she assured, making a point to flip through a novella upside down with utmost dissatisfaction.

“I wanted to go back as soon as I left, I was just so… so angry, and so damn stupid!” Olivia exclaimed, slumping defeated against the doorframe, knowing that she had messed up royally.

 Esmé would have loved to have Olivia say that again for her own pleasure, but unfortunately, humiliation wasn’t the aim of today’s game. “Well, I’m not going to disagree with you. She’s cried herself to sleep every night. And when she does rest, she’s dreaming about you… She talks in her sleep, did you know that?”

Liv quickly had to stifle a small sob rising up her throat, covering her mouth with a sleeved fist. Of course she knew. “I didn’t mean too,”

The financial advisor paused, she could easily sense he sincerity lingering on Olivia’s trembling lips, “It doesn’t matter now, what matters is you need to talk to her”. Those clipped words refused to soften as the platinum  blonde stared across at the chimney. This was as easy for her to do as it was for a lion to befriend a field mouse.

“Why do you want to help me?” The librarian dared to inquire with a voice quivering with hope.

“I don’t,” Squalor gently snapped, her shoulders drooping slightly, “Not really. I want to help her. I love Jacquelyn as much as you do, and it … _hurts_ me to see her wondering down her halls looking lost, pretending that she’s not crying every now and again,”.

Liv silently sniffled, sitting down at the foot of the door, barely trusting her legs to hold the weight as she didn’t believe her heart could hold the weight of her sinking guilt.

“Jacquelyn has a big heart which I know is big enough for the both of us, and if us getting along will make her happy then I’m prepared to at least try do that.

“I do love her,”

“then show her that,”

“For Jacquelyn, She wants us to get along, and I want to… to try, If she can see the good in you, then maybe I can too, with a magnifying glass,” Liv added with a gentle shrug, finally, a teasing smirk making its tiny way onto her lips.

Esmé huffed, but the hint of a smug grin lingered on her countenance. “We can get along normally, we don’t have to be Rose and Juliet, you know?” she seemed incredibly proud of herself.

“I was only saying that- wait,” Olivia stopped herself mid-sentence, a frown tugging at her features as she blinked, “Who?”

Esmé gaped, “My God, Caliban, I thought you could read,” the blonde rolled her eyes as she continued to speak with surprising utmost confidence. “It’s a Dickens Book, about two fair Veronians…” she either didn’t hear or didn’t care when Liv quietly interjected that Veronians wasn’t a word, and she continued, “Who fall in love, but their families don’t agree because Rose and Juliet are definite lesbians. So they make plans to escape to a different country and they get on a ship which crashes into a big lump of ice and they all die a tragic death. It’s a beautiful story,”

She didn’t know how to respond to that. Esmé couldn’t possibly confuse Shakespeare’s fictional playwrights with real life events and slap Charles Dickens’ name on it… could she?

“There are _so_ many things wrong with that sentence,” the redhead murmured, looking up at the financial advisor.

“Don’t you dare grammatically lecture me Caliban and get your ass off the floor and go see Jacquelyn,” it’s with a second, third or even a fourth thought that ," Esmé finally stuck her hand out to Olivia to held her up. After all, civilities were needed.

Liv got to her feet with a bare smile, “Thank you… So, how about a friendly hug?” she teased, laughing at the horrified look that flashed upon the other woman’s face.

“I will burn your books, Caliban,”

And together, they stepped into the pouring rain.

 

* * *

  

“She’ll be upstairs,” Esmé whispered, hanging up her coat as she strode into the kitchen, leaving Olivia alone in the hall, staring up at the stairs with trepidation. Her heart wanted to leap in that direction, but her feet remained rooted by the door.

Liv hovered by the bedroom door, resting her digits on the door handle.

“Esmé, is that you?” the librarian pushed open the door, remorse surrounding her in a thick and unresentful cloud.

“Unfortunately it’s only me,” the redhead whispered as she took one small step into the room. The other volunteer was sat up on top her bed, a pillow trapped in her tight clutch; she could see Jacquelyn’s mien morph between delight, relief, pain and anguish, and in that order.

“Olivia…” Scieszka began, setting the cushion to one side.

The librarian rushed forward, falling to her knees beside the bed, her hazel gaze glued to the floor, “You don’t have to say it… I was wrong, so wrong. I never meant to hurt you,” she swallowed, the picture of the floorboards altering into a blur as tears stung her eyes.

Jacquelyn opened her mouth, pausing in the moment, “Out of everyone, I never thought it would be you, I trusted you with all my heart to be the only one who stayed in my life.” Liv could hear the emotion choking her lover.

“I love you Jacquelyn, and if by loving you that means accepting another person owns half of your heart then I will be more than glad to love the half that’s mine, if you’ll still have me.” Caliban whispered, a short gasp falling from her lips as she felt the womans fingers sweetly threading through her hair, bringing her gaze up to the face that she adored.

“Of course I’ll still have you…” Scieszka smiled brightly.

“I shouldn’t have worried about what I am in your life, it’s all about what you are in mine, and I never wanted to hurt you Jacquelyn, You’re… you’re my everything, you’re the sun in my dark nights sky, the oasis in my desert, when I’m parched I crawl to you an you are there, you’re my roaring fire in a barren ice land when the snow freezes my fingertips. I’m starved for you, I long for you, and I swear to have love for you for as long as I live.” Liv swore, wiping away the tears that adorned her cheeks, with the back of her hand.

“Olivia-” she sniffled.

“Jacquelyn, leaving you was the worst decision I have single-handedly made in my entire existence, I would rather die than cause you that pain again,” Caliban only stopped talking when Jacquelyn cupped her cheeks with warm, softly trembling hands, bringing her up to perch on the edge of the bed with her.

“Losing you would cause me pain, either way. I don’t want you to go anywhere,” it’s then that she pressed a searing kiss to Olivia’s lips; a kiss that seemed to cure every single problem, conveying every feeling. Liv only pulled away hearing a soft creak.

“You can come in you know,” she smiled, turning her head as Esmé brushed through the doorway, sitting down on the other side of Olivia.

Squalor shook her head in silent confession, “You two are stupidly, ridiculously cute…” she muttered, bringing forth a sweet round of laughter before Jacquelyn piped up in all her curiosity.

“Esmé are you crying?” the volunteer gasped.

The platinum blonde scowled, as if Jacquelyn had just asked her if she had been singing ‘kumbaya’ to a litter of orphaned rabbits, “No, I have something in my eye.”

Olivia chuckled, “In both of them?”

“Shut up Caliban.”

 

* * *

 

 

Olivia balanced three cups of tea with perfect ease, after all, carrying towers of books in the library gave her some practice. She pushed the door open with her hip and instantly smiled at the scene. Jacquelyn lounged across the bed in her sweet, small shorts, laying on her stomach.

Esmé was sat on a pillow on the floor, facing the door as the volunteer braided her hair. They both grinned up at her as she entered.

“My girl!” Scieszka exclaimed, tying the finishing ribbon in the platinum blondes hair before reaching out for the librarian.

“My tea!” Esmé responded, hands reaching for the cup instead, and Olivia laughed.

“I hope I didn’t miss much,” the redhead wondered, handing Esmé her tea, and setting the two other mugs down seconds before Jacquelyn wrapped her arms around her waist, pulling her down onto the bed.

“Nothing, except how much we missed you,” the secretary beamed and the mattress sunk down further as Esmé joined them, nestling into the space.

“ _She_ missed you, I was fine,” the cities 6 th most important financial advisor playfully corrected, with a teasing smirk, making Olivia grin.

Jacquelyn sat up, one arm around the blonde, the other around the redhead, and she couldn’t feel happier at all, “You know, we have tea, cuddling, and a really comfy bed, I think we need a story book,” she grinned and Liv arched her brow suggestively.

“Esmé knows a really good story, tell her Es… about Rose and Juliet,” the librarian couldn’t help but tease, and the three women giggled softly.

 

Olivia was home. And Home was beautiful.


End file.
